How to Say No

Sometimes we confuse saying No with selfishness. But Sheila O'Connor says that by being more assertive, we live a more stress-free life.

Saying No and setting limits may not be easy, but doing or saying nothing when the situation demands it also has its price. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or that you are being used as an emotional dumping ground, your silence for the sake of the peace is costing you more than you realise.

Maria Arapakis, an American psychologist and business consultant, says that “it’s important to realise that you are responsible for the way people treat you and for teaching others how they should treat you. If you simply keep quiet, you imply consent.”

Let’s say you feel uncomfortable dealing with a co-worker who takes credit for your idea, a tyrannical boss, a house guest who outstays her welcome or a couple who continually whispers behind you at the theatre. You can learn to speak up without appearing aggressive or disagreeable.

Initially, when such events happen, we tend to let things slide, assuming it’s a one-time occurrence. When it happens again and especially when it’s repeated over and over, it can seem harder to say anything because you’ve let it go on for so long.

But even in such situations, it’s still better to speak up. In fact, in any situation, you don’t have to respond to the incident immediately. It’s often more effective if you spend time thinking things over, considering your options and then confronting the offending party. And it’s important to consider your options in each situation. We too often go to extremes when we try to be assertive.

Take the example of a friend of mine who had a new neighbour move into the flat next to hers. Most evenings he would come home late and put on his music so loud that it would wake up those living in nearby units. One person cursed him in the hallway, while my friend considered moving out. She also ignored him when he greeted her in the lift, hoping he would get the hint. It wasn’t until she went to his place, introduced herself and told him that his music kept her awake, that things changed. It turned out that he hadn’t even realised he had been playing his music so loudly.

Areas For Boundaries

When it comes to setting limits and saying No, Arapakis mentions that often there are two different—and ineffective—ways of setting limits that we need to be aware of. One is holding back and the other is being too forceful.

Holding back

If you often let things pass, you can suffer internally. And the longer you wait, the more likely you are to give yourself a thumping headache. Another form of holding back is to set your limits too meekly, such as, “I sort of have a problem with . . . .” Your body language will probably come across as non-assertive and you won’t get the change you need.

Being Too Forceful

On the other hand, you may be guilty of setting limits too quickly without waiting for the other person to give an explanation. Or you may use a condemning, blaming or abrasive manner and set your limits too harshly: “Your room is a pigsty. Clean it up now—or else!”

While most of us are a mixture of these styles, it’s also possible that we flip-flop between extremes. It isn’t unusual for that tyrant boss to be a mouse at home or for the smiling, Yes-I-can-do-that-for-you, office worker to take out her suppressed anger on her family. Some of us even change depending on who we’re talking to or what the situation is.

Arapakis advises against allowing even love to let things slide. “Setting limits is a specific and critical form of interpersonal honesty. You set limits in relationships when you express your position or feeling, draw the line and ask for what you want when you’re not getting it. It is a way of expressing your individuality and it shows that you respect yourself. You can be true to yourself and still hold successful relationships. Otherwise, you end up like a pleasing machine which bends and moves to other people’s whims and says things just to win favour.”

Limits are in themselves neither good nor bad and people have differences in their sense of boundaries. For example, you might guard your privacy while your friend thinks there should be no secrets between you. In these situations, you’ll need to set limits that will make you feel comfortable.

What’s important is to realise that in any situation that makes you unhappy, you need never be a powerless victim. Rather, be assertive. Set your boundaries and follow through on them!