Reclaiming Intimacy

Looking at the emotional obstacles in marriage could be useful, says family and relationships counsellor Bryan Craig .

The early days of marriage are nearly always filled with intoxicating feelings of romance, desire and passion. These feelings create such an aura of excitement and uncertainty that they greatly enhance a couple's awareness of the intimate experiences they share with their partner. However, even in the best of marriages, familiarity and predictability come to characterise the relationship more and more as the sense of novelty and the intensity of emotion wear off.

Gradually, the excitement and enthusiasm that once stimulated the marriage now begin to decline. Before long the marriage relationship begins to spiral downward.

Frequently, when things start to go wrong, couples try to get closer sexually, hoping to recapture intimacy and closeness. Others may try to talk it out, without realising that intimacy is an intensely emotional or affective experience that requires more than words and reasons. Still others will shift their focus away from the relationship to their involvement with their children, career, sports or other interests.

So what does it take to keep love alive? What are the factors that develop a greater sense of intimacy in marriage? Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship in which two people mutually respect and enjoy each other's company.

These are the couples who know each other intimately, who are well versed in their likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams, and who have an abiding regard and fondness for each other that is expressed in big and little ways. Following are 10 ways that will help you to develop such a relationship.

1. Goodwill 

2. Respect and trust

Mutual respect is a central ingredient in all satisfying, long-term marriage relationships. To have respect means to “look at” another and to see what is really there and what potential exists. So to show respect for your partner means that you recognise and accept them as separate individuals and that you value and esteem them for who they are, not for what you can get from them. Showing respect is not the same as romantic admiration, which is based on your idealisation of your partner. Respect is clearly about honouring and appreciating your partner's separateness and the ways in which they are unique

3. Effective communication

Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield maintains that intimacy is a process in which a couple attempts to move toward complete communication on all levels, and that the verbal expression of feelings within a relationship becomes the actual bedrock of intimacy.

4. Mutual commitment

Commitment is the one quality that contributes most to the continuing development of intimacy and growth in marriage. In marriages that last, intimacy and commitment go hand in hand. A lack of commitment on the part of one or both partners is one of the surest and quickest ways of undermining a marriage relationship.

5. Expressing love

Couples who spend time together enjoying leisure activities or who consistently spend quality time with each other tend to enjoy a greater sense of happiness and marital satisfaction than those who have little time to be together. Couples need to be intentional in promoting their partner's wellbeing and in improving the sense of bonding, attachment and intimacy in their relationship, by using the following “minimum daily requirements”: a. b. c. d.

6. Adaptability

Intimacy is very much related to an individual's ability to be open to change and embrace new ideas. The fine art of compromise and the skill of shifting one's attitude or behaviour to deal with changing circumstances and to cope with stress or crises are important parts of keeping love alive. Individuals who are rigid and insist on always being right are usually not people who are well loved.

Successful couples are also flexible about the roles they play in their relationship.

The way they adjust to situations and needs that change over time and the way they handle difficulties as they arise are critical to relational harmony and happiness.

Where both partners work outside the home, efforts need to be made to share the workload at home, if misunderstandings are to be avoided.

7. Resolve conflicts

Conflict is the gateway to intimacy.

8. Sexual satisfaction

Giving expression to sexual passion is a core aspect of marriage and includes a desire for intimacy and closeness, both physically and emotionally. The level of sexual intimacy achieved is itself influenced by the overall state of the relationship and indicates how willing a couple is to respect, trust and cooperate with each other.

9. Spiritual values

Religious and spiritual values play a much more important role in marital stability and happiness than most people realise. The fact is that a couple's spiritual orientation helps them make sense of life and provides meaning and purpose for virtually every aspect of their lives. While a person may be virtuous without being religious, religion does emphasise those qualities most of us would consider virtuous— honesty, integrity, responsibility, commitment, forgiveness and compassion.

10. Social connectedness

Within all human beings is an innate drive to connect with another—a drive crucial to one's esteem and survival.