How to Grow Together With God

We’d been married only a few weeks when we discovered that growing our spirituality as a couple was going to be much more complicated than the instructions on the packet suggested. The basic instructions went something like, “Read your Bibles and pray together. Apply twice daily for best results.” But the reality was a mismatch of our work schedules, unrealistic expectations and different learning styles. It didn’t work for us and we didn’t know what to do next.

Over the years Bernie and I muddled our way into what worked for us. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it, because the spiritual dimension of our marriage has enhanced our friendship, our lives and even our physical intimacy. If one layer is missing or wears thin, we lose something precious. Many of the highest peaks in our relationship have been during those rare moments when we managed to connect at the deepest level of our spirituality.

Work It Out

Eventually, we found a way to share what we enjoyed most about our spiritual activities and what we appreciated about each other’s differing perspectives. We began to understand each other’s learning styles. Bernie is more analytical and theological; I am more creative and experiential. We asked ourselves, “How can we create a space for our spiritual intimacy that we both enjoy and where we both feel safe?”

We also discovered that our spiritual relationship doesn’t have to be at some fixed time during the day, but it does need to infuse our entire lives (Deuteronomy 6:4–9). We eventually decided that most of the time it was best for us to have our individual periods with God and then share what inspired us rather than feeling we ought to be reading and studying the same thing at the same time. 

Explore The Bible Together

Many couples find it challenging to study the Bible together because they prefer to study and read the Bible in different ways. My husband is a pastor, so he reads the Bible from a theological perspective that excites him but leaves me feeling confused. 

I’m a writer and also a family counsellor, so I’m interested in the stories of people’s lives. He’s fascinated by ideas while I want the Bible to make a practical difference in my everyday life. And the list goes on.

Several years ago, I studied Godly Play, which is a unique way of telling Bible stories to nurture children’s spirituality. Jerome Berryman, the founder of Godly Play, uses some very helpful questions that can be adapted to any Bible story, no matter how old you are or how much you know or don’t know about the Bible. We’ve found these questions very useful, because they help us to reflect on any Bible passage in a curious and wondering way without highlighting our different levels of theological education or making us feel frustrated. And we’ve added a couple of questions of our own. We find the following questions especially useful:

We don’t even have to read the same Bible passages to talk about these questions and they often lead to inspiring conversations and fresh possibilities. 

Pray Together

Some couples are very comfortable praying aloud alongside each other and for each other. Other couples like to vary their prayer styles and some are still working out how to pray together. Here are a few ideas that we found useful:

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The Greatest Of These Is Love

Whatever you do to nurture each other’s spirituality, there are three important dimensions that will help you to have a positive and balanced spiritual relationship:

These are a few of the ways my husband and I have learned to share our spiritual lives together. Try them out, and then experiment with some ideas of your own.